- MYTHS & FACTS -

MYTH - “an idea that forms part of the beliefs of a group but is not founded on fact” (The Oxford Paperback Dictionary, 1979)

Myth: Alcohol causes men to assault their partners. Fact: While some abusers may also abuse alcohol, chances are they abuse their partners whether they drink or not. Alcohol can make it easier for a man to be violent. But the real cause of woman abuse is the batterer’s desire for power and control over his partner. Batterers often use alcohol as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for violent behaviour.

Myth: An abusive partner is better than no partner at all. Fact: In our society there is a large amount of pressure to be in a relationship (especially for girls and women), but everyone deserves to be in a healthy, respectful relationship where they are loved and valued.

Myth: An abusive partner is better than no partner at all. Fact: In our society there is a large amount of pressure to be in a relationship (especially for girls and women), but everyone deserves to be in a healthy, respectful relationship where they are loved and valued.

Myth: Emotional abuse is not as damaging as physical abuse. Fact: Emotional abuse IS JUST AS damaging as physical violence. Hurtful words and actions like: name calling, insults, humiliation, blaming, threats, smashing things and being intimidating, unkind and disrespectful strip away self-esteem and self-confidence.

Myth: Abusers are abusive in all their relationships. Fact: Men who believe partners are their property, and must be controlled, do not have the same belief about other people, so are not necessarily abusive toward others. Sometimes outsiders cannot believe the abuse occurs, because the abuser seems quiet and controlled outside the home.

Myth: An insult or a shove or a push is less worthy of attention and intervention than a punch or kick. Fact: Even one hurtful, or violent, comment or act to cause fear or pain is a warning signal and should not be ignored.

Myth: Women provoke abuse, therefore, they deserve it. Fact: No one ever deserves to be abused. No woman ever deserves to be beaten. Provocation is an excuse – the offender always has the choice not to abuse. This is an example of victim blaming, and perpetuates the idea that violence is justified. Abusive men often claim their partner provoked an assault to avoid taking responsibility for their own behaviour. In fact, the true source of violence is the batterer’s desire for power and control over his partner. Stress and conflict are part of any relationship. Violence is never an appropriate way to solve a problem. No one deserves to be beaten, controlled or live in fear of violence. There’s no excuse for woman abuse!

Myth: Men who assault their partners are mentally ill. Fact: Woman abuse is too widespread to be caused by mental illness. Most men who assault their partners are not violent outside the home. They don’t hit or harm their bosses, colleagues, religious leaders or friends. When abusive men hit their partners, they often aim the blows at parts of the body where bruises don’t show. If abusive men were truly mentally ill, they could not limit their violence in this way. Abusive men have learned to use violence to deal with their problems. Domestic assault is a crime, not a sickness. To men who use abuse, control is the very essence of their actions.

Myth: Domestic violence is frequently a one-time thing. Fact: Domestic assaults increase in frequency and severity, if not checked. Women are beaten an average of 35 times before they call police.

Myth: Sometimes women like to be abused. Fact: Women do NOT find pleasure in abuse. Women don’t like to be beaten or have broken bones and bruises. They don’t want scars on their bodies. They don’t want to be frightened and made to feel bad. Nobody likes to suffer and be put down. Although many women return to their abusive partners, it is NOT the violence they are returning to – but the hope that it has stopped.

Myth: Wife assault is a new social problem. Fact: Wife assault is not new. It has been condoned throughout history. For example, the widely used term “rule of thumb” comes from a 1767 English common law that permitted a husband to “chastise his wife with a whip or rattan no wider than his thumb.” In Canada, it was not until 1968, when the federal Divorce Act was passed, that physical and mental cruelty became grounds for divorce.

Myth: If women try hard enough they can control their partner’s abusive behaviour. Fact: No matter what a woman says or does, nothing can stop the abuse except the abuser. A woman only has control over what she says and does and her own safety.

Myth: Children are not affected by woman abuse. Fact: Children who witness violence ARE seriously affected by seeing and hearing their mothers being abused. Such children often develop a low self-esteem and generally feel to blame for the violence. They may also experience feelings of extreme guilt, inadequacy, failure and helplessness. In addition, children who witness woman abuse in their homes are likely to become involved in abusive relationships as adults (either as a victim or a perpetrator).

Myth: Wife assault seldom causes serious injury. Fact: Twenty per cent of visits to emergency medical services are the direct result of wife assault. Between 1974 and 1990, in Ontario, 550 women were killed by their current or estranged partners.

Myth: A person who has had sex with their date/partner before cannot be raped by that person. Fact: It does not matter how many times a person had sex with their partner, if they say NO and they are ignored, and forced to have sex against their will, then it is rape. The same applies to people who are married and who are prostitutes.

Myth: Women would leave the relationship if it was bad enough, or if they didn’t like it. Fact: Women do not enjoy suffering or being frightened, insulted, humiliated, abused or beaten or having broken bones and bruises and scars. Women often feel that they must stay because they are afraid to leave. This fear exists as a result of ongoing abuse and intimidation and threats that if she leaves: partner will kill himself partner will kill or harm her, or her loved ones partner will destroy her belongings partner will take the children and she will never see them again partner will report to Family and Children’s Services that she is a bad mother partner will take all the money and she will live in poverty she will be deported

Myth: Assaulted women could easily leave their abusive partners if they wanted to. Fact: It is not easy for an abused woman to leave her partner. The decision to leave is difficult for many reasons. There are many barriers to leaving a violent relationship including the following: she doesn’t want to break up the family she believes that marriage is forever she wants her children to grow up with father she loves the partner, not the violence her partner’s abuse isolates her from friends and family she has no supports she hopes that her partner will change and that the abuse will stop she depends on her partner’s income – she will live in poverty lack of safe, affordable housing she fears for her own and her children’s safety fear of losing her children she has low self-esteem because of her partner’s abuse she believes that she can’t make it on her own because her partner took her confidence away partner makes her feel guilty and tells her the abuse is her fault she believes she deserves the abuse she feels guilt and shame and embarrassment she has nowhere else to go she feels afraid and/or ashamed she doesn’t believe she has a choice her partner has threatened to harm or kill her, her children or himself if she leaves she is worried about her or her partner’s immigration status women who leave their batterers are at greatest risk of being killed – after she’s left is the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships

Myth: A man’s home is his castle, and he rules the roost. Fact: No one has the right to abuse another person or limit their choices or try to control them. Living with a woman does not give a man the right to abuse her. However, society tends to accept and encourage men’s control over women. Victims are often blamed for abuse by being asked “What did you do to get your partner so angry?” This kind of thinking promotes the view that men are not responsible for their behaviour and that, in some cases, woman abuse is justified. Woman abuse is never justified. In a healthy relationship, partners share equal decision-making power, and they are both treated respectfully and equally valued.

Myth: Families give love, warmth and safety: family members are kind and loving to each other. Fact: While this may be true in some cases, family members can also be brutal and threatening.

Myth: Family violence is a private matter. Fact: Through shame, guilt and fear, violence within the home is too often kept secret. If abuse stays hidden, it will almost always continue and escalate. Keeping abuse and violence private or secret perpetuates the cycle of violence. The batterer hopes for and relies on the silence of everyone (those directly and indirectly – neighbours, friends - involved) who is aware of the abuse in order to maintain power and control. If abuse/violence is going to stop then it has to become everyone’s business.

FACT: All people have a responsibility to help end family violence and violence against women. However, this does not mean that people should directly intervene in violent situations. What people should do is: call the police when an abusive situation arises become educated about woman abuse be supportive of victims of abuse (listen, believe & do not judge or criticize) educate others on this topic take this issue seriously

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