Anselma House / Haven House - A shelter for abused women and their children.

WHAT IS ABUSE?

It is the attempt to control a woman's behaviour through fear and the misuse of power. Woman abuse causes a woman to feel powerless, unequal and unsafe. It is a common experience among women and rarely happens once. Many women do now know that they are being abused because they have accepted abusive behaviour as a normal part of their intimate relationships. Many of us find it difficult to identify and talk about abuse.

Abuse happens to women of all ages, classes, religions, races, cultures, ethnic backgrounds and sexual orientations. Abuse can be physical, verbal, sexual, financial, emotional, and/or cultural.

ABUSE AND NON-ABUSE CYCLES

What can an Abused Woman do besides leave?
CLICK HERE for more information.

Signs of abuse.......

Violent outbursts
Isolation from family and friends
Feelings of worthlessness
Physical assault
Fear for self or children
Threats of violence or harm
Threats of destruction of property or pets
Makes you feel guilty or worthless
Insults or put downs, name calling
Jealousy or accusations of cheating
Unkept promises to change
Control of all the money
Forced sexual acts

You May Be Abused If Your Partner...

Puts you down and makes you feel like a nobody.
Makes it hard for you to leave the house or see your friends and family.
Beats you.
Makes you have sex when you don't want to.
Makes you feel afraid for yourself or your children.
Destroys your belongings.
Makes you feel guilty or blames you for what is happening.
Doesn't give you enough money to look after yourself or the children.

Children Who See Their Mothers Being Abused May:

Blame themselves for the violence.
Experience physical complaints such as headaches, stomach aches and other illnesses.
Have nightmares or difficulty sleeping.
Act out their mixed emotions either by being aggressive or self-destructive or by trying very hard to be compliant or passive.
Grow up believing that:
- It is alright for men to hit women.
- Violence is a way to win arguments.
- It is OK to hit someone if you feel angry or upset.
- Men are powerful, women are weak.
- There are few, if any, negative consequences for abusive acts.
- They are responsible for the abuse and responsible for solutions.

Characteristics of Abusers

80% were abused as children or saw their mothers abused.
Blame partners for their abusive behaviour.
Place enormous expectations on partners to feel good about themselves.
Are very jealous and possessive of partners.
Tend not to trust other people, and therefore tend not to share inner world with others.
Have limited or no social network; partner is closest person he knows.
Highly emotionally dependent on partner; subject to depression known only to family.
Tend to express all negative feelings as anger.
Have low self-esteem.
Get needs met by control, such as violence and threats.
May threaten suicide if partner leaves.
Come from all socioeconomic levels; all educational levels; all racial, age and ethnic groups.
Can be very pleasant outside of the home and very unkind at home.
Frequently demanding and assaultive in sexual behaviour.
Hold very traditional, stereotyped views of male-female roles and relationships.
Lack sympathy for partner's physical and emotional pain.
Tend to minimize and deny the abuse.

Why would a woman stay?

One of the biggest misconceptions and tragedies is society's willingness to blame the victim. We must place responsibility for the crimes on the offenders and stop blaming the victims. "Why doesn't she just leave him?" Well, there are lots of reasons why women stay. Here are just a few....

She loves the partner, not the violence.
She made a commitment she feels she can't break.
She has nowhere else to go.
She has no money, or fears the poverty that may result for her and her children if she leaves.
Relatives and in-laws want her to stay.
She believes her partner can't get along without her - he may have threatened suicide if she leaves.
She wants her children to grow up with their father.
He takes her confidence away so she doesn't think she can make it on her own.
She believes her partner will change.
She is afraid or ashamed.
He makes her feel guilty and tells her the abuse is her fault.
She believes she deserves the abuse.
She's afraid for her own and her children's lives.

Leaving a violent situation or relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman. One in five women who reported abuse said that violence occurred following or during a separation. In one third of these cases, the violence occurred following or during a separation. In one third of these cases, the violence increased in severity at the time of separation. There are many reasons why a woman stays. But the real question is why some men choose to assault and intimidate women.

SURVIVORS SPEAK

We invited women to reflect upon the support they accessed through the shelter and follow-up programs at Anselma House.

Here's what they said...

To these courageous women who have left abusive relationships, we offer our heartful gratitude for sharing their stories.

It is a crime to abuse someone physically or sexually!
Abused?

You are not alone.
You have options.

Call our 24-hour crisis line for emergency assistance,
support and shelter.

Anselma House (519) 742-5894 , 1-877-419-1517

Haven House 24-HR CRISIS LINE (519) 653-2422.

All of our services are free and confidential.